Architecture! Architecture! Architecture!
The secret service will tase you bro...
If you are into Gothic, Baroque, and Art Nouveau architecture, then Budapest is the city for you. Everywhere you look from run-down apartment buildings to cafes with minimal sitting room there are wonderful buildings to see. Many are perfectly preserved; however, the strong influence of capitalism ensures that in a city such as this, you will eat at the fanciest looking McDonalds you have ever been to.
By the 4th day, you could tell who had recently arrived because they would stand in front of every ‘interesting’ building and take a picture. We did the same thing on the first day. But after a few hours of non-stop picture taking, you realize there is no possible way to photograph every interesting building because they ALL are interesting. Every building had some sort of carving, or mosaic, or unusual facade. It’s Ted Mosby’s wet dream - all architecture all the time.The city has 2 primary sections Buda and Pest. They are split in the middle by the Danube River and there are 9 bridges that connect the two sides. The Buda side is where the immense Buda Castle stands as well as the old town. The Pest Side is where all the modern shopping streets are - “Fashion Avenue.”
The weekend we were there was the 20th anniversary of the uprising against the communists that started in 1956 and culminated in 1989 when the Russians left the city. There were various forms of commemoration going on at different places - some protests, some candle-burning, some prayer gatherings, and oddly enough a marathon. Surprisingly everyone seemed to speak English. I was actually quite surprised at how touristy everything was - oh capitalism why do you homogenize everything to be the same?? - but eat it you commie fucks - we won! (There just aren’t enough opportunities to call people commie fucks in today’s age - socialist fucks just sounds so wimpy especially when 98% of people who probably use that term couldn’t describe the tenants of socialism)
So one of the more interesting parts of our trip was going to the Turkish Bath House. Budapest has a plethora of thermal springs and bath houses. Its definitely one of the things to experience while there. We went to Gellert Furdo just below Gellert Hill (just go towards Independence Monument - a statue of a gigantic lady with a palm leaf that you can see from everywhere in Budapest) which is one of the more famous bath houses for tourists. We basically showed up with our bathing suits.
Follow me to the Turkish Bath
I’d been to a thermal bath house before so it wasn’t completely foreign; however, it’s still kind of awkward - there’s a lot of unavoidable nakedness and never ever the good kind. This bath house is inside of a ginormous Art Nouveau palace. Literally, it’s a palace. It’s unbelievably fancy. Yet after paying the entry fee for the basic bath house experience which wasn’t super expensive that’s when the fun starts.
The place is an Art Nouveau labyrinth complete with winding staircases, long hallways, common rooms that have multiple entry points, and hidden doorways. There are no signs. The signs don’t make sense. The people working there speak the least amount of English or German of anyone in the city. They basically repeat the same key phrases over and over again.
Worker: You put clothes inside, I lock the door.
ME: Where are the towels?
Worker: You put clothes inside, I lock the door.
ME: Do I need to bring my plastic card?
Worker: You put clothes inside, I lock the door.
ME: Where do I go?
Worker: You put clothes inside, I lock the door.
ME: Have you ever seen the inside of a Turkish prison?
Worker: You put clothes inside, I lock the door.
ME: How about I whip your naked ass with my towel.
Worker: You put clothes inside, I lock the door.
You get the picture. I was not the only one confused. I was following two Germans (a father and son) and we were all completely perplexed. The one girl that spoke English really well was working the concessions stand selling towels and flip-flops but when we asked her for directions she replied that she had never been in the bath house before. So finally we made it to the pools.
We sat and stewed with all the people in the warm water for a while. Every time I am in a thermal bath with a bunch of people, I feel like I am being boiled for a soup. I convinced my girlfriend to do a lap in the ‘cold’ pool. The look of absolute shock and horror on her face as we swam the lap in the ‘cold’ pool almost made me drown I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious.As we were getting out I noticed a sign that said ‘Thermal Bath for Men’ with an arrow. So my girlfriend asked and sure enough the actual ‘Thermal Baths’ were in a different area and obviously men and women were separate. It still took me 3 or 4 wrong turns to find the right room and of course as soon as I open the door there’s ‘That Guy and his Buddy’.
I don’t know if this is true for woman but in my experiences with public nudity - there’s always ‘That Guy’ who’s hung like John Holmes but built like King Kong Bundy who insists on doing everything completely buck naked in the most dramatic and ostentatious way - riding a unicycle, doing head-spins, grilling burgers, writing sonnets, doing the hokey pokey - it’s like they think to themselves, I have huuuuge D&%K. I can’t see it myself but I’m going to make sure everyone else can.
Anyway, I had to pull a Uey and take a few minutes to regain consciousness before I went back in. Once you get in the water, everything else fades away and it is very very relaxing. If they could get you from the change room directly into the thermal bath without all the stuff in-between, I would be all about the Turkish Bath. Don't let this deter you. Spending time in the hot water of one of these bath houses does have a magical calming effect.
St. Stephen Basilica